InsaneJournal

Current mood:

uncomfortable

The past has a funny way of coming back to haunt you when you least expect it. Today's little luncheon reminded me about some past events and people that really hurt me before.

I spent the first few years in nursing school with a set of different friends. They were complete opposites of the friends I have now. Things with them were great at first, but as school became harder and more stressful things just fell apart. It's true that adversity brings about the truth in people. I learned a lot of things about myself (both good and bad) and I also learned a lot about my friends (mostly bad). I'll admit, that I probably wasn't always a good person. I conformed to much to their "standards" and tended to agree with whatever they did or said.

Still by the time our friendship ended they had picked apart myself image and damaged it so much I didn't know who I was anymore. I always had a negative self-image as a teenager, but it became even worse after them. It came about mostly because I was very different from them. Most of them had been teenage mothers and were now single moms, who had had to struggle with the day to day demands of nursing school. I was the youngest, living with my parents, single and umarried.

I also usually excelled at the theory portions of school while they had to work harder at it. I also tuggled with the practical application. So I made a lot of mistakes. Like and idiot, I usually told them my mistakes and they used them against me. Anytime I did well in the theory, they always balanced it out with a nice little sneer and jeer about how I would never be a good nurse anway since I wasn't good at clinicals. Not to mention my study habbits were very different from theirs. I still procrastinated, but I took more of the day-to-day work more seriously and valued good grades. On the other hand, they thought the more you procrastinated (while still managing to pass) the better you were as a nurse and a person.

Even after I stopped being friends with them, did more clinical hours and got better, their voices continued to taunt me and nibble at any confidence I developed in clinicals. My new (and current) friends helped reverse some of that. They allowed me to be myself and instead of holding it against me, they taught me to value it. They gave me strength and helped me find my priorities again.

Despite this though, I still continue to have doubts about myself and my abilities. Even after I have now that I have graduated and have left school, conversations about what happened with them still get to me like this. It's sad and pathetic, but just talking about it reminds me that no matter how far I go or how far I have gotten (ie graduating, getting magma cumlaude) I can still hear them and their words still make me feel like shit.